6/7/12 (this is when I originally wrote this post, but I did not publish it at the time, given recent events I thought it was worth posting)

“Pay me for my work but I don’t do it for the money.”

The thought of soon getting a regular, very reasonable (for one so fresh from uni) pay cheque is a little daunting but it is something of a relief too. Many of my fellows who are graduating this Summer are returning to the shelter of their parents’ house as they fight to find gainful employment. To an extent I’m jealous of this security that they have, to know they have a place to go even if they are broke and unemployed. In saying that I think I would feel a bit suffocated if I returned home after 4 years at uni. Although it does occur to me that perhaps the maturity and the freedom I would risk losing if I went home (supposing I could) were born of caring for and then losing my mum.

In all honesty simply returning to my home city is strange enough, so much is the same but so much has changed, its really quite surreal!

And this thought brings me to my main concern about pay cheques, I have to earn it! Seems a strange idea perhaps, but ever since my mum fell ill I have suffered with depression and anxiety, so I experience moments of doubt in my ability to be a reliable, responsible employee. This idea was not helped massively by the phone call I had from the occupational health rep at my new job who called me up and said ‘ so I see here you wrote you have depression, would you like to tell me a bit about that?’ … the response that was on the tip of my tongue was ‘well not really!’

It doesn’t help that my biggest supporter was always my mum, so often when I didn’t believe in myself, she believed enough for both of us.

I hope these are simply the fears and misgivings that everyone has before starting their first proper job. I guess there’s only one way to find out if I can do it, and believing I can will get me at least half way there. On that note here’s another cheesy line to finish with : ‘Success is found in ‘can’s’ not in ‘cannot’s’